The End

I have been trying to write for a few weeks now, but because of the chaos on the home front after the move, I can't. But I think this is just the good excuse of a reason to why I haven't. The more I think about it though, the more I try to reflect, or to dig down deep, the more I realize that...there's nothing there. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I'm also too quiet inside my heart... I try to stir up conversations with ones around me, but they don't really peak my interest. There's no fascination. No amazement. Usually my mind has a million thoughts running through it, especially reflective thoughts of things such as how are Cocoa Puffs made, to say, contemplating the existential universal purpose of dust bunnies. But now, there's nothing there.

So I tried to look within these past few days, deep deep deep, and the only thing that I found was an echo of nothingness. I'm...empty.

So out of curiosity, I googled the word: empty. The first thing that came up was:
empty — Determine whether a variable is empty
Determine whether a variable is considered to be empty. A variable is considered empty if it does not exist or if its value equals FALSE.empty() does not generate a warning if the variable does not exist.

*Pinch* - ouch! I guess I still exist. Phew!!

Then, I looked it up in the dictionary:
emp·ty
adjective

1.

containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents

2.

vacant; unoccupied

3.

without cargo or load

4.

destitute of people or human activity

Bingo! ...and I'd have to agree as I feel just like that. Having none of my usual contents, I'm unoccupied, without cargo and destitute of any human activity (meaning I feel more like I'm running on auto-pilot/robot).
There were also a whole bunch of suggested images for the word "empty". Empty rooms, empty bottles, empty roads, empty beds, empty chairs, etc. But none of those resonated with me, just this one:

Ironically, it feels sorta good to be empty. Yes there is no happiness, but there's no anger either. There is no joy but also no resentment. There is no love but also no painful longing. There is nothing. But, what there is, is a clean slate. For everything. So then let me be empty. So that I can again be full.

Managing Oneself

Totally in line with my belief system and personal research on the subject:

http://robbinsmadanestraining.com/Documents/managingoneself-1.pdf

Sheesh!

I've been on some sort of roller coaster these past few days, were my mood changes from childlike excitement paired with impatience, to a great sadness, that's so profound and heavy that it becomes completely overwhelming. What peeves me about both these emotional states is that 1) they are irrational, and irrational = crazy. And 2) (obviously) I don't know what's causing them. And that sounds nuts, well, because it is. I feel like I'm in the process of something, some sort of transitional phase, yet, I have no idea what the heck I'm transitioning to. Probably into a two headed monster, because that's surely what it feels like! *wobble-wobble*

All I do know is that I'm fully determined and committed to actually practice my truth by living it and walking on its path (the vaguest destiny, like, ever!). I also know that I don't want to wear uncomfortable fancy shoes anymore. Metaphorically, I'd rather it be barefoot (with a very sexy pedicure of course). I no longer want to be part of the rat race because just the thought of it makes my muscles cringe. I literally get knots in my stomach thinking about subway commutes, rushing, overcrowding, deadlines, spreadsheets, presentations and tight pantyhose- agh! I need to be aligned to my essence, and frankly, the 'modern mystic' in me is saying: act from a sense of purpose and healing. Ha! Easier said than done. I don't know how Zen masters do it, swifting by, day by day, one moment at a time, feeling unity in a 'we are all One' mental state and yet completely detached at the same time. Puhleaze, what do they know?! They've never been in love... (or stuck in traffic, or cradled a colicky baby for that matter).

Relativity and objectivity, and the practicality of Love

Lately in the past couple of years, through the learning curve of experience, I've come to the flexible conclusion that it is all relative - whatever "it" and "all" may be. At the end of the day, the quality of my experience no longer depends solely on feelings, emotions, sentiments, or frou-frou things. The quality of my experience resides in the facts: the facts of the matter. And so for me today, it is more important that the facts are right, and then, emotion can come afterwards. I realized that my emotions and feelings are only sentimental opinions or reactions to what the matter of fact is. I can't harbor loving emotions or feelings if the facts are screwy. When facts are iffy, there's nothing concrete to work with.

This is quite the change for me, because before, all my life until a couple of years back, if i didn't FEEL it, it didn't exist for me. No matter what it was. Today though, if it doesn't make sense, then there is no point.

Food for thought: Does it matter what you have, or who you have your what with?

I guess I no longer practically believe in the famous power of love in a relationship. In the words of wise Tina, "What's love got to do with it?" It also very well may be that our definition of love is overly marketed, advertised and romanticized into some unrealistic, esoteric Hollywoodian magical benevolent force. I saw from personal experience, that no matter if you have that flame burning for someone so intensely and not know your head from your ass from how badly head over heels you are, or if practically, instead, you offer tangible results, there is always the possibility of failure or whatever the situation may be. Real life is not about walking into the sunset with your beloved hand in hand on the back of an unicorn, with birds chirping all around. Its about what you build together afterwards, at sunrise. So then, it makes sense to say that Love itself is relative, because emotions themselves are relative to the situation at hand. For me, at the end of the day, what you have accomplished in your life is the standing fact. What you yourself have built with your own blood, sweat and tears. Emotions come and go in life depending on the egocentric trial and errors that you and your beloved commit. Love does not "conquer all". First of all, we don't even know what this famous bucket word: "all" means, and second, lets not forget the other famous saying, "Love is blind". So how can both these sayings co-exist in the same situation? If you're blind sighted, how can you conquer all? You can't. Because it's not about that at the end of the day. The objective depends on the facts of the matter. So get your facts straightened out. Then, you'll have a better aim at conquering your all. Because the fact of the matter is, it matters what you have and who you have your what with.

Twin Flames and Soul Mates

What's In A Life?

"You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope" - Thomas Merton

Transformation: the ins and outs of it

The world has gone bonkers these past few weeks. Life as we know it (at least in my immediate circle) is changing faster than the speed of light. From all the people I know, I only know of ONE relationship that is not under pressure, the brink of collapse, or close review - and with that I mean any kind of relationship, be it social, familiar, professional, or personal. The stats are maddening. And what do I do to pull it all together in my mind's eye? ("Cind tara arde, baba se piaptana") I went and got prettified at the salon and spa. A little hair color here, a little massage there, a touch of nail polish here...a bit of wax there....now, I can think clearly, because as we all know, beauty inspires more beauty. *smile*

...And boy, thinking is all I have been doing lately. About two weeks ago a very awkward moment snuck up on me from nowhere, a sort of blast from the past, that has determined me for the past ten days to be reflecting and introspecting even deeper into my own life (more...?? Like, seriously...), while my girlfriends are suddenly calling me to give them "a therapy session" on the issues that they are going through, and, ironically, even my own parents both need to hear it from me. ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. Indeed the world has gone bonkers and I became its therapist. Now there's a thought! So yes, I whine and complain about how exhausted and tired I am from all of it, but my little secret is that I actually adore the results of all this "inner" hard work. Yes I adore it. I absolutely love having to clean through this kind of messes! It gets my bearings going, my blood pumping, and fulfills me greatly. Organizing the mountain of paperwork on my desk....? Not so much. In any case, the epiphanies that come from it all are wonderful and amazing, and in all shameless vanity, I feel they justify the few wrinkles on my face with some pride and decency.

An introvert by nature, I'm an observer. I need time to regroup, withdraw and reflect. I drill down. I do root-cause analysis. I like to find patterns in human nature and to watch the mechanisms of the mind unfold before my eyes. I also enjoy dancing on tables in bars once in a while and manage to convince my girlfriends to join me, so hey... self control is totally overrated sometimes. There definitely is a time and place for everything. I bring up a good point, because I've been observing, reflecting and analyzing for quite a while now, which means I'm due for another memorable night out with the girls soon (note to self).

So, I'd like to bead a few more pearls on a string by jotting down here a realization I've had these past few days of intense observation and root-cause analysis.

The innate, fundamental mechanism of contraction and expansion
Even though I was aware of this, I truly realized today that everything around me exists due to a basic transaction of: contraction and expansion.  You can see it in the way your heart beats in your chest, or the inhaling and exhaling of the air as you breathe. It is innate and fundamental. Ingestion and excretion. What goes up must come down. What goes around comes around. This basic transaction is in my opinion what must be the root of all existence (as far as my brain can wrap around it). What happens if your heart stops after contracting, what happens if you no longer exhale, what happens if you no longer eat or if you no longer poop? There is a process of unraveling, and life ultimately stops (and at the point of death that energy transfers through in a different form, ultimately continuing this specific rhythm of life and death, but at this point the conversation is way too woo-woo and 'out there' for my taste, so I need to keep it simple). These small transactions of contraction and expansion, this natural rhythm, must be the basic necessity for life to exist. It is from this concept that I think everything that we deal with in our daily life today stems from, and its keeping this basic transaction in a healthy equilibrium that keeps life healthy and purposeful. I could drill down even more and talk biology and start discussing the recreation of cells in our bodies and explaining this concept through that, but again...who am I kidding. Now...my name isn't Dr. Oz for good reason! So I will keep it simple: to me, relationships are the most obvious form of this mechanism. By the simple fact that you exist, you are in a relationship with everything around you. You are first and foremost in a relationship with yourself, as you are with your boss, your children, your parents, your significant other, your neighbor, and your pet fish (or dog, or cat, or lizard). In order for these relationships to flourish, they need to stay alive and healthy, and you need to respect them by making sure the basic transaction of contraction and expansion is in check by: giving and receiving. You get groceries by giving money. You keep a game of tennis going by passing the ball back and forth. You show up every morning and give your work in exchange for receiving your salary. What happens if you show up but decide not to work? You will no longer receive a paycheck. What happens if you show up and work, but your boss decides not to pay you. You will quit. What happens if one tennis player keeps hitting ball after ball, and the other doesn't return them. There is no game. What happens if you don't want to pay for your groceries?

Giving and receiving is a basic transaction that keeps everything moving along. Promise what you can give, not what you can't. That's why, one should always spend what they have, not what they don't have. (Which is why one should know thyself, and always function from a place of truth.) The concept of credit doesn't work in finance, as credit generates interest, and in turn, that only generates more debt. Debt is an ultimate fail, and it is painstakingly obvious in the world today in any newspaper I open, or any news channel I turn on.  I know, shocking revelation from an business graduate. But like in economics where you only get an equilibrium when supply and demand meet, the same stands true for everything else around us. All else is relatively based on variables, thrills and frills - totally and utterly irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. The world is totally out of sync in the mechanism of giving and receiving. Some give too much and receive too little, others receive too much and give to little. It is the reason why the world has gone bonkers. The fundamental mechanism of creation, of health, of life, is totally and completely out of sync.This is why globally, the financial institutions are failing, governments are failing, societies are failing, and locally, communities are failing, businesses are failing, and personally, relationships are failing and... we are fat. Sigh. We have lost the respect and the rhythm of this transaction of giving and receiving with self, with our intimate relationships, with our familiar relationships, with our social relationships, with our business relationships, even with our planet. It is all a big glob of a mess.

(I'm exhausted)

Now, I can't change the world. But I can start with myself first and foremost (I swear this is the last piece of chocolate I will bite into) and with my immediate environment and the relationships I am in. What is dysfunctional has to go, and what is functional has to stay. What is destructive has to go and what is constructive has to stay. What is unhealthy has to go and what is healthy has to stay. What can be changed will be worked on, what can't be changed will be let go. Yes of course (!!!) there will be ups and downs in life, but as I like to say, may they all take place between the sheets *wink*.

On Marriage and Commitment

"The expectation that instant soul mate recognition should then lead to a life of delirious bliss, leads people off to something that is not necessarily possible for everybody. And the fact that we hold that as the ideal, means that when we have any sort of relationship that's less than that, we feel as though we've somehow failed in the Jerry McGuire fantasy of completion through the other, and that can cause suffering and pain in people"

Dilemma - "We're all in this miasma"

The Journey's Holy Grail

Some days its easy, others...meh, not so much

But for me, just becoming aware of these points was half my battle. Putting them into daily practice going forward however, is more of a relative notion, it is a life long journey of trial and error, without clear quantifiable measures of success, other than the achievement of living with inner peace even if just for a moment or two, here and there.

Yin Yang

"Only two things can reveal the great secrets of life: suffering and love" - Paulo Coelo, El Aleph

I'd also like to add wine, pearls, and dark chocolate to this list *wink*

For me personally, experiencing everything that comes with the notion of falling and being 'in love', allowed me to feel unique moments touched by grace, and through that, it enabled me to discover dimensions within my own self that I didn't even know existed. It was what initially provoked me to unknowingly start off on this spiritual journey I had embarked on since over half a decade ago. Discovering the ability of unconditionally loving someone else other than myself - irrelevant of the circumstances, served its expanding, bright, and strong purpose as the initial guide that opened the path to everything else that was to follow. 

Then, through experiencing limitless emotional (and loads of professional and financial) hardships due to the unfortunate unraveling of events within another relationship and in the world economy in the years that followed,  I've gotten the opportunity to feel what there is to feel in a contracting, dark, passive and cold environment. In my own personal way I've wholly experienced both the Yin and Yang (Yin Yang are not opposing forces/dualities, but complementary opposites), which truly makes me appreciate my journey even more because it is complete this way. 

** I also think that it has been my own inclination or personal tendency to receive and interpret these experiences in a spiritual manner, because like with everything else, there's always free will. Events manifest in our lives, but it is up to us how we decide to react to them. I could have interpreted these moments either in a purely physical, or  financial, or administrative or whichever other way possible. They would have equally materialized in my life and existed because that's the way it was meant to be, but different reactions would create different personal results. I am still in the process of things, but am very content with the way things have worked out so far, as the gains I truly needed in my life were spiritual in nature. 

The One - The Journey Back To Self

Paulo Coelho's 'The Alchemist', is a book that I came to be familiar with when I read it in the crowded NYC subway rides on my way to work during the summer of 2005, right at the start of my journey of self discovery.


“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist


“I learned that the world has a soul, and that whoever understands that soul can also understand the language of things.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist


“If I can learn to understand this language without words, I can learn to understand the world.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist


“The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day in itself, brings with it an eternity.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist


And too many years later (7 to be exact), I finally understood the message: We ourselves are the famous 'The One' - the answers are and have been within us all along.

Camila - De Mí

Internal Shift - the kind of lasting change

It doesn't matter what new address you have on this planet, you will always take yourself with you wherever you will go. So whatever personal issues you have pending, they will always come along following your footsteps. Because until you actually face your own self  and reach that place within, you've been wandering around in no-man's-land, reaching geographical destinations on a pathless journey.

No matter who you spend your time with, you will always see yourself in the mirror created by the relationships with those around you. So whatever personal issues you have pending, they will always come along for the ride to remind you of their presence, always being reflected in every new relationship you enter. Because until you resolve them, you will always see them mirrored back at you through all the social, professional and personal relationships you are part of.

Changing residences or changing the people you surround yourself with will get you nowhere closer to your real destination. That's because you will always see those experiences through your mind's eye and not through your essential truth. You have to open your mind, and through insight and self awareness you will create the real change.

Just be careful and make sure of how exactly you go about opening your mind, so that you're careful enough that your brain doesn't fall out. *wink*

On being a woman today...

We must not forget this! As wives and mothers and super achiever career women, this is possibly our greatest and most repeated struggle within each 24 hr time slot.

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

Absolutely inspiring...

Ordinary Abandon

So I gave once more to you,
Only what's left...
My insipid flesh undone,
In decadent perversion surrendering to your lewdness.
That sacred I once honoured as Divine,
Today was an act of ordinary abandon.....

written September 2010

Mindsight - TEDxBlue - Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.

I have finally found my own personal passion as an actual interdisciplinary field. I'm completely fascinated by the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology, as "brushing my brain" is probably what I do more often that brushing my teeth! *wink"

With every end comes a new beginning

"Hope dies last" they say. I know this from personal experience, because it was precisely only hope alone that carried me on many days that brought nothing more to the plate other than discouragement. Having hope means putting your faith in something and believing in it past reason. Its a level of loyalty and trust that you have for something that is so special to you that you have no room for doubt to nest in. I'd also have to say that hope gave me a sense of confidence that it was just a matter of time...and confidence feels good so feeding into that hope also fed into my confidence.

Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different outcome. And surely, speakin' of the devil, they were spot on. There comes a point when you have to learn when its time to cut your losses because even hope has run its course. What was once a source of inspiration and beauty, now inspires exasperation. This brings me back to one of my financial education influenced 'aha moments' that I've mentioned in a previous entry in this blog: "Time is our most liquid asset. Review your investment portfolio and spend it wisely. The best R.O.I. is a life best lived". Also, like another friend of mine told me: insistence is admirable, but persistence gets old. It turns into a very exhausting, unfulfilled and unhappy situation. That's when the time has come for the natural process of putting matters to rest and allowing hope to die, and thus making space for the process of letting go and moving on. Its a process that starts off with feelings of painful loss and great sadness, that are soon to  be followed by an immense feeling of freedom and excitement for new experiences. When this happens, that excitement injects vitality and zest back into your life, and during what used to be the daily routine of waking up to what would turn out to be another day of unfulfilled hope, now you wake up in high spirits and your eyes sparkling bright and full of liveliness. As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, "It is time for something beautiful to give way for something else that is beautiful."

Myself +

Among my girlfriends, so far I'm the second one who has become a mother in the last decade. The first one who took the leap is used to the idea of a big family as she herself is one of three children, and went on to do the same. Now at 30 years old she is a proud mother of three beautiful kids. She is also what I call a hero. I'm reminded of that every time we talk on the phone, as focusing on a conversation while you also have three kids running around the house and remaining intact, is a superhero skill in itself. I have another friend who took the plunge and is now pregnant, and slowly getting accustomed to the rest of her life being herself + one. Or two. Or three. Or who knows...

Growing up, I have never ever seen myself as a 'mom' type of woman. I saw myself as being mothered, smothered, babied, and spoiled. That's as close as I got to a baby...by acting like one myself. But then one day, out of the blue, when I was at the top of my game in the single and fabulous lifestyle, I met a man that turned on the switch. And I say that because I truly think it has to be a switch. How can I go from solely focusing on Friday night drinks with co-workers, Saturday night dancing with friends, and Sunday laziness, to "Oh my God! Look how cuuuuuuute that baby is! I want one of those too!" every time I'd see a mom + walk by. Yes, of course I had turned definitely crazy. But that's what love does to you, it makes you lose your marbles and at the same time, provokes you to completely change your focus off of yourself alone, to yourself +. Its like you're oh so happy all of the sudden with who you are that you want more of it and just want to multiply that that feeling - because that's what love does, you love the object of your affection so much that you're also in love with who you've become when you love them. That's at least what happened to me: slowly but surely like a turtle, not only did this wonderful man turn me on, but he also turned my baby switch on. And in time, I became myself + one. For now. Who knows, maybe I will lose my marbles again at some point... *wink*

When Twin Flames are In The Flesh

Its when you make your way inside my mouth kissing me furiously, and I let you devour with your insatiable thirst...
When we stop and put our foreheads together, and I'm watching your guilty mouth as I gasp for air, you have me completely. And when you reach for me again, wrapping your palms around my neck to pull me close for another kiss as my breath feels powerless in your hands, I completely surrender to you... I'm at my weakest, no longer in control or within reason because from there on, the path taken is guided solely by your intent.
...as I could spend the rest of my days trusting in you my lifetime.

Of me

Despite the fact that we go around and talk the talk, even walk the walk in our omniscient rhythm, one day, when we feel strongest and omnipotent, it comes over us, a bucket of cold reality that leaves all stripped to utmost humility. And standing there bare, or better said, barely standing, you see your know-it-all arrogance as a fool that only served to entertain your ego into illusions of false power and control. Ironically, from the depths of humility I was able to find a different kind of strength - that of honouring my own truth.

Quantum Leaps

The process of being true to yourself without fail is a most demanding task. Firstly, it involves having to know what exactly it is you want, what it is you desire, what it is that makes you happy, so that then you can go ahead and honour all that in truth. But knowing all that, becoming aware of it, identifying it, is the messiest work in itself, as the process that takes you there takes huge amounts of introspection, speculation, trial and error, and most importantly, risk. And with risk come leaps of faith... There is absolutely no room for fear, for shame, for worry or doubt. You simply leap forward, come what may. It requires infinite amounts of faith and trust. But how can you have faith in and trust the unknown? You don't. You simply have faith and trust in yourself and any higher power you may believe in.That's it. Allow your steps to be guided by this, and you will see that at the beginning you'll just start slowly pacing forward, but then as you have more faith, and the more trust you gain as you honour yourself in acting in truth time and time again, you will one day see yourself leaping, no longer pacing. Leap after leap, so you will soar...

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” 

― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

Twin Flames

...sometimes quite pleseantly, we are given nice little treats, like when you happen to look into somebody else's eyes, and you see your soul as their soul. You simply see home. This truth is within all of us, and we should intuitively know it and believe it, but at times, we are sent a personal reminder of it in somebody else, in their eyes, as they are here too as you are, but also happen to be holding that key that unlocks your door, and looking at them, you truly see it, feel it and know it past your beating heart and past your bones, because in that moment, through the meeting of your eyes, is the meeting of two souls..simply witnessing each other and experiencing truth.


Update June 9, 2012 (funny, we all describe "it" the same way):
“It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Namaste - Realistically Contemporary

It is not surprising that with all the situations taking place around in the world for the past two years, unfolding events in many peoples lives have been causing financial havoc, lifestyle changes, standard of living differences, and ultimately yet not surprisingly: STRESS. I too have been affected by all this ridiculous mess, with what initially started out as a personal decision to take some time for reflection,  reorganization, and spending more time as a mom than a fancy white collar and pearls employee, that turned into a downward spiraling of loss of control due to the economic scenario.  Hindsight is always 20/20 so of course now that I look back, intending to take those initially 'planned' 12 months off to spend with my son before he started school, was a huge risk, but my and my son's timing was absolutely perfect that's why I took the leap of faith. But the world was ticking to a completely different stopwatch and I was soon to find out. So just like everyone else, I too had to learn to scramble and hustle in this new economic mumbo-jumbo that's been shamelessly going on for what seems like ages. It was so infuriating to say the least, to read in the New York Times that some suddenly poor people out there in 'the land of hope and dreams' America now don't have the money on hand to afford the regular sized packs of toilet paper sold at Walmart, and that toilet paper producers have had to re-package their lots with a smaller number of rolls per pack to make it more affordable, while apparently at the same time, the latest über designer high fashion staples are not only sold out, but have unprecedented waiting lists. The gap is clearly wider these days, leaving the hard working class infuriated, humiliated and quite honestly: insulted.

Unfortunately, this has been going on for quite a while, and global stress from worry has become chronic. Just turning the page in the newspaper or turning on the TV, gives me a shot of adrenaline from the latest headlines. Coincidentally enough though, alongside these events, there's also another silent movement going on in the world, one that's more calming and peaceful in nature, as it is focused on enlightenment, awakening to consciousness, and living in the present moment. Despite the fact that I'm very practical and realistic in nature and don't easily attract to anything that may sound overly esoteric, I personally think its perfect timing for all these new age theories to take place, because on really difficult days, one may realize after looking at their bank account, that the present moment is really all they have, REALLY. So yes, I find that these not so new but very popular theories do give a practically needed sense of fulfillment and richness, if not of the material kind, then of the spiritual kind. And hopefully, applying them long term, who knows maybe an internal shift may actually take place within each of us and ultimately society as a whole, so that when this whole economic turmoil will turn around, we will use our material riches in a more conscious manner, one that's less detrimental to the environment and to those around us, as we will hopefully be guided by love, and not by greed. Right. I can't help but to chuckle as I type out the last sentence picturing myself hugging the trees at my local park, as the realist in me totally senses a woo-woo tone to what I just wrote, but frankly, the truth of the matter is, that it is greed itself which got us to where we are in the first place, so we might as well try to operate from a different standpoint as a society and see where that takes us. And hey, if having our actions guided by love will bring us to a place of rainbows, butterflies and unicorns, so be it, as I'd take that any day over my current bank account balance.

Namaste *wink*

INsight

Many times we cheat ourselves pretending that what we have is what we want, and that where we are is where we want to be. Its a trick of the mind that acts like a bandaid when we are hurt. So as such, we end up making all sorts of compromises with ourselves, choice after choice, decision after decision, and worst of all, with others around us, involving their lifetimes as well. Its a sort of ripple effect of a mess that we all create when we come here and pass through life only to realize at some point sooner or later that what is essential is really just the core: the search for love, for truth.

And so the years pass, and one random day you suddenly stop in your tracks and just stand still along with time, and in the stillness of that moment, you realize just how far and lost you've gotten from the essence. That instant in time is absolutely monumental. As it comes, it does so rushing in, overwhelming you with feelings of regret, resentment, anger, and frustrations. You are lost and you feel helpless and confused as you think you have no compass to ever bring you back. And back to WHERE?

In that moment you have no other option but to surrender to it. To feel all those feelings, and experience every single bit of it all, so that you can truly realize where you really are, how it feels to be there, what you have done to bring yourself to that place, why you have done it, tracking all your steps, because that is the only way you can map your course back to your truth, back to what was all along. And in this process of self discovery, most importantly, forgiving yourself and others, because "Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could be any different" -Oprah. You can't hold on to grudges of the past because they take you down a path to nowhere. Just accept it for what it was and try let go of what has happened to you, as it was simply part of the process to discovering your own essence - like a necessary evil, a blessing in disguise. Live in the present moment and step onwards from there, on the journey to the love and truth inside of you. You were born into this world with it, and it is the only thing you will leave this world with. Cherish it as it is the only thing of value that simple words can't describe, it is the only thing that transcends.

In Passing

The more I witness around me, the more I come to realize that there is no set-in-stone rule for anything in the form of life, as everything that is in form, is circumstancial - and circumstances are forever always variable, as are our own reactions to them. So that said, considering the woven web of people's lives' along with everyone elses around them, all the varying circumstances and the reactions to them, the only thing I can bet on that I am sure of at the end of the day, is that simply another day has passed. And even that is relative, as what is a "day" if not our own limited measure of time, when time really is a formless, spaceless infinity.

Like the seasons, we just simply come as we go...

Phoenix

My internal philosopher kicks in from time to time, trying to make sense of life, and of the reasons why sometimes…shit. just. happens. Depending on the magnitude or severity of the situation (I’d like to also jokingly say – whether it hit the fan or not), I may do recovery cleaning effectively and efficiently, and other times, I may get stuck. Stuck in a shitty rut that is. So what does my inner Plato or Nietzsche say then?

Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is not one right answer, and most importantly not one right timeless answer. I have been down this beaten path a few times, and depending on the time of my life that I have taken this stroll again, I almost always interpreted things a bit differently, and most definitely always discovered hidden treasures in hidden pockets that I had not noticed before.

Undeniably, at the onset of the emotional calamity, I have tried to tell myself as my first instinct kicks in: “Seriously?! Again?! You’ve got to be kiddin’ me! I am soooo not going down in the emotional trenches once more. I’ll just sip on my margarita right here in the shallow end, sombrero on head, I will avoid the heat thank you very much”, clearly explaining my enthusiasm for getting ‘down and dirty’ in such events. Unfortunately, Martha Beck’s remark always rings true: “When we run from our feelings, they follow us. Everywhere”. Oh, she is right alright - she isn't a Harvard graduate for nothin'!

Despite my mental temper tantrums equivalent to those of a toddler kicking and screaming on the floor, of absolutely not wanting to deal with the current issue in question, after having gone down the beaten path a few times in my life, I now know that my only solution to getting past the emotional trenches that have been put in front of me as a result of a situation that life presents itself with, is to get into the trenches, and feel everything there is to feel to the last drop, may it be good, bad and/or ugly. Accept it (even if I have to beat it with a stick!), come to peace with it… and then calmly put it aside. It has been dealt with. Only then, is the mind clear enough to take action and simply move on.

So having said that, coming to terms with certain events is just not my cup of tea. It really is easier said than done, that's for sure! Its meticulous, tenacious work, and emotional 'detail oriented' activity that I would choose to do without, and instead...go shoe or bag shopping - way more fun! Seriously. I can’t begin to honestly tell you how much one part of me can relate to the famous Gone With the Wind quote: “I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow. After all…Tomorrow is another day." But the older I get, the more ridiculous I know that sounds. Even though, inside my own ego’s mind, I swear it totally makes sense. ...However, as time has shown me, when finding oneself in an occasional firestorm of life, allowing the emotional fire to set off, and having it burn out until it dies down, letting it run its natural course, is the best way to actually deal with it. Out of these metaphorical ashes, a relatively new, regenerated version of ourselves will immerse. I usually have to sit myself down on my balcony, glass of vino in hand, my iTunes playing setting the mood, and whether I like it or not, allowing for the soul searching to take place. To put it more simply, I can’t allow my mind to look like the inside of my closets and drawers – those are places where I will probably never be meticulous or tenacious enough to clean up the mess they contain. But I can’t think about them right now. I’ll deal with them tomorrow. After all...tomorrow is another day *wink*

Timeless

When I went to Mexico City for the first time, it was definitely a life changing experience. I was by myself, and saw a totally different world that I was never aware of. I soon learned that countries in South America are the same or even worse, plagued by poverty and injustice. Until then, I was aware of images like that very rarely and only on TV, and usually I'd just change the channel to further instinctively shelter myself from such knowledge. It was none of my business. I had other problems to deal with, like what outfit to wear the night I was going out at the bar. This time though, I had it staring back at me to my face, live and direct. Poverty like I had never in my life seen before. Let me tell you that middle class there, is below poverty line here. Neighbourhoods go from total and utter poverty that violates health and safety codes, to ridiculously fancy affluent villas that here we have no access to even drive by. And its all in one city. I visited a lot of beautiful places in Mexico City, and even climbed the nearby pyramid of the sun all the way up, pregnant and all.

One of the tour stops was at the Basilica de Guadalupe. The 'miracle' of the Basilica de Guadalupe. Aside from the image of Virgin Mary with whom I've left a few wishes and prayers, right after seeing her and telling her my wishes, (very ironically) I turn around and I see an image of two people, a woman and a man, around 45 years old or so, embraced just like Klimt's Embrace painting, identical:

And they were hugging the living life out of themselves!! There they were, in the middle of the Basilica, without a care or even shyness...hugging, crying and sobbing - it was so intense - and they were saying things I couldn't understand (yes I was clearly creeping in, the moment was too much for me to ignore especially because I had just whispered in a last breath my wish to the Virigin and THIS image was in front of my eyes when I turned away from Her). I stood there in sheer amazement. That moment stayed with me until today and I'll remember it forever. Back then I had not seen Klimt's painting of The Tree of Life, but very soon after, out of the blue for no reason, someone emailed me a picture of it in one of those forwarded spam emails, and seeing it, it struck me cold.

On the left it has a lone tall young lady depicting "Expectation"...then the tree of life...and then "Fulfillment" depicted by the famous embrace. On the tree of life is a black bird that signifies the inescapable presence of death - probably Klimt's reminder of our limited time alive here. And that's how I understood the moment I saw at the Basilica. And why it was so intense. For a few moments I was very amused by the silly idea of how the 'universe' always communicates with me in a very cheeky way, throughout my whole entire life. Who knew the universe also does stand-up comedy, right?!

I'm writing all this because I always wanted to share what I saw. It was a really special moment, that for some reason outside of myself, I was put specifically in that place to witness it as well, where I too, quietly and secretly became part of their story, and shared their sorrow and joy that they lived in that moment of their own Tree of Life. Klimt's painting from a hundred years before (1909), stood as a true story that very day of my own life. I myself was simply standing there full of expectation just as the lady on the left in the painting. I was looking at them embracing in complete fulfillment before my eyes just like the couple on the right. And a lifetime was between us.

Human emotions throughout life, death, expectation and fulfillment, are afterall "timeless".

Thoughts While Feasting On the Elephant In the Room

I now see that for some time there's been two sides to me: the me inside my mind, and the me inside my world. I didn't realize it until a couple of days ago. If I would be asked to describe myself (criticisms aside), I'd say I'm genuine, sweet, romantic, silly, and quite adventurous - all inside my mind. But whoever has spent time with me in the 'daily grind' the last few years sees a practical, categorical and rational version of me. Yes, responsibilities of 'family' do put things into perspective more, but to what extent?

I admit that I sometimes flirt within my own mind with my passionate ideas, but I also see today that when push comes to shove, I don't commit to them. How in the world did I become so disconnected from my core? Is it because I've managed to trap myself in a space where there is no place for the real me? These days, I find myself sneaking around to read a book, as it is shockingly interpreted as a waste of time to do so in my current home life situation...I find myself arguing ideas and ideals that I've always strongly believed in, with people who stare back at me point blank and who don't understand a word I am saying. It feels so discouraging to be conversationally immersed as deep as ever into a subject, live in it the moment of intensity of sharing it, and the person you're doing it with just looks at you completely confused and totally checks out of the conversation because they can't grasp any of it. So that's how and when I stopped my passionate conversations. Despite the fact of being surrounded by people, things to do, and involved in daily activities, it feels so lonely. That's why, in some way, instinctively creating this virtual place called "Spaces" where I write my thoughts, I've also created my self's lifeline.

I don't really think I'm such a big fan of the word "destiny" - who invented it?! The presence of this word in the dictionary makes me feel so helpless to the point of its denial. And that's when to cope, rationality and practicality sink in, and there I am again, going on about my days, more categorical and less passionate, but...nevertheless...always aware of the elephant in the room.

How to eat the elephant in the room - one bite at the time

January 8, 2011

I find that in the last three and a half years I have taken a few steps (or stumbles) towards becoming more spiritual and accepting of a higher power - note: surrendering my need to control. I learned that the more I accept and embrace these notions, the more peace I am able to find within, even though the path on this truly never ending journey was a very difficult and stubborn battle for me.

My nature is a very proactive one. I am not the type of person who can just stand with their arms crossed and watch life as it passes by. A favorite quote of mine by Herbert Otto says: "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." If I were to be forced to be an audience to life, the least I would do is express some sort of verbal opinion or draw some sociological conclusions about what it is I am witnessing (hence the creation of my blog). However, my true nature calls me to get involved, and simply do something whenever a situation arises, especially when that situation feels uncomfortable. Being raised in North America most of my life, I have been trained by this culture to follow the pursuit of comfort. So naturally, I liked to analyze and draw theories and conclusions, apply needed changes, and proceed in action by being proactive, not passive.

Of course, I now realise we are here to learn, and surprise surprise, I had to learn to embrace the great virtue: PATIENCE (they don't call it a virtue for nothing). Patience requires awarenes, which in turn I find, involves stillness. Being an actions focused person, stillness was a very strange notion for me. How can I be still? Whenever I saw myself in an uncomfortable situation, at the moment an opportunity of escape would arise, I jumped right on it - like say out of lack of financial comfort, pack my bags and change countries in two weeks time for a better job, or out of emotional uncomfort, get married to a stranger and get pregnant in three months time. I was under the impression that if I were to act myself out of uncomfortable situations, I would somehow magically fix those problems by immersing myself into other activities. What I didn't realize is that I was also immersing myself into other more uncomfortable problems. It is now crystal clear to me that I was a loose cannon and obviously had to learn that running away from an issue will not fix it. I ended up unintentionally placing myself into a very tight and very uncomfortable corner. The key here is that because I never sat still, never was patient enough to just be, reflect upon and listen, I eventually placed myself in self created situations that may not have necessarily tickled my fancy, and escapeism no longer being an option, forcefully pushed me to become aware of myself by being immobile, or as spiritual theory calls it: being still.

“making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

For a person like me, being still, at the beginning feels entrapping, exactly like a fish on a shore whipping tail on sand and all. I honestly felt like I was running out of air. I had to wait, patiently, until a wave would come and take me back to the ocean of movement.
Here I learned the power of surrender. Those moments of total loss of control brought me to complete desperation, which eventually broke down most of my inner ego structure, and I had to just lie still, listening to nothing, while going nowhere. This in itself, is the most difficult task ever. I went to business school, so "action items" are part of my dogged and systematic nature. And there I was: a fish washed up ashore, wagging my tail on the dry sand under the ardent sun, and ironically, impatiently waiting.
Here is where I learned of faith. There were many moments when I suffocated myself in self induced panic that the life saving wave might never come. Having had to surrender control and mobility due to the awkwardness of the situations I had placed myself in, within the depth of stillness, instead of nothingness, I discovered faith.

May 5, 2013
Faith...suuuch a short word, for such a long stretch.

The Seven Blind Men And The Elephant

My three pearls...

Some days I'm convinced I know it all, that "I got it" with a strong grip, to only wake up the next day and realize I don't know much...such is the passing of life, lessons of humility first and foremost, and a slow, very slow accumulation of wisdom.

In any case, I came up with three conclusions recently. Here are 3 pearls of mine, part of an entire ocean of life.

• Time is our most liquid asset. Review your investment portfolio and spend it wisely. The best ROI is a life best lived.
• The direction your life takes depends on what opportunities the Universe offers you, and how then you decide to go ahead and manage these opportunities.
• Work diligently on building a rational mind and a proactive attitude, and fear will slowly find no place to nest in.

"The show must go on"

In life, due to one reason or another, there may come a moment of saturation that unintentionally acts as a catalyst for a new beginning - and the rest is history. There is no weight of the past, as you have left it behind you with no regrets. Living it, I swear it feels as good as if you've defied gravity.
It allows for a brand new immense space, a clean slate, for life events to take place. "The show must go on" And it does. With a sprint in its step.

Simply...

I always used to know where I 'am', where I stand, how I feel about this that and the other, so on and so forth.....a false sense of control....a false sense of power, immitating strength.

Today I stand knowing nothing. This moment was my greatest fear, but in feeling it, I see it is my greatest freedom. At the beginning I felt so disoriented, a stranger within my own skin...But as days, weeks and months pass, I realize I'm more grounded than ever. There's a core of stillness, and the silence within simply enjoys being.

On Love...

Most important of all:

“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations” -Kahlil Gibran

"Eternal Instant" - A Polemic Analysis

'Being' should be enough for me because wise ones say it really is all there is: 'Live in the moment'.

I'm far from perfect and I recognize my weakness: I'm only human. "Be still and know that I am God" - Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I only feel Your presence, in the moments when I'm with him. He awakened in me love, a symbiotic catalyst reaction of an eternal instant, life.

Mommyhood Enlightment

My friends (who don't have kids) have often told me that I'm not like the other mommies they know, in that I don't really discuss my son's daily burps, farts, poops and so on. They said I'm a "cool mom". Hmmm...I guess that means I've managed to keep some sort of personal identity, throughout the sleepless nights and difficult - yet beautiful - moments. The usual things I share with my non-mommy friends regarding mommyhood take place especially at the beginning of a conversation with a warning: "I've slept only 4 hours last night, and they were interrupted sleep...sooo...i hate everything and everyone at this moment, so its not you, ITS ME". When this kind of night however turned into a month, into half a year, a year, and into two years......you can imagine I'm surprised at the mere fact that I still have friends! My son slept his first full night of sleep at two years old. Unfortunately, I was so used to waking up every 2-3 hours, that my body would do that anyway, screams or no screams so it took a while to adjust to the new heavenly treat. During those two years, the chances I had of speaking to my friends, I wanted to take a short break from mommyhood. So I tried to spare them most of the baby details. Somehow I always reminded myself (accompanied by a great feeling of guilt ) that 'mommy' is (still) her own person. So when my friends wouldn't hang up on me from frustration of the colicky screams in the backround, I'd talk about anything non-baby related. I was afterall, the first one of all my friends to have a baby. I somehow still wanted to 'fit in' their club as I was totally alone in mine...and find the old familiarity of life and live perpetually through their stories sort of thing, while the reality was that my breasts were sore and leaking and I had put on 65 lbs and the only important part of fashion for me those days was the "stretch" aspect.

The truth of the matter however, is that 'looks' are just a fraction of the changes you go through in the new life of motherhood that a woman embarks on. Your whole entire person changes. You see life in a different manner. Actually, I think you SEE life for the first time. Your perspective and what's important to you suddenly shifts gears.

My son is now four years old. These past four years have been of great significance to me. I probably grew up more in these past four years than I did in the twentyfour before them! I'm an only child. So I self admittedly suffer from the only child syndrome. MY room. MY toys. MY clothes. MY space. MY mom. MY presents. No sharing. Period. So when I got pregnant, I finally realized a part of the meaning of SHARING - MY. ENTIRE. BEING. At a 6'1" frame I kept on amusing myself that I have a tenant in this tall executive condominium building who is distrupting the peace and will be kicked out in 9 months (haha). I tried to make everything funny - its my way of coping with stress. In all seriosity now, my pregnancy wasn't the hardest nor the easiest. I went through the three month all day long nausea ("morning" sickness was a pleasant fantasy), a close to miscarriage bleeding scare, bedridden for a couple of months, and then the famous weight gain, all coming together in culmination with a problematic epidural shot, however a "perfect natural birth" in the end, as the doctor called it. And that's when it all changed - I thought I had learned patience through pregnancy. Boy was I wrong.

The first two years after my son was born, him having colicky attitude and cries, paired with screaming all-nighters, taught me patience, and most of all sharing. Whether I liked it or not. I endlessly shared my nights, my bed, my sanity, my body, my peace of mind....to a screaming little human - my beloved son. I used to be very impulsive, impatient and capricious before I had my son (probably if you ask my mom, I still have a moment or two today). So I remember the shock I had when I realized that he won't stop screaming no matter what I'd do, he won't stop waking up in the middle of the night no matter what I'd do, and that all I COULD DO, was to just accept it. Long pause. Night after night, day after day. Long pause. And be there for him. And love him despite how all that made me feel. Long pause. Unconditionally. Long pause. NATURALLY. Without hearing a thanks, without any cheering on. Or without a 'day off' of forgiving sleep. My own needs were completely irrelevant at that point. All that was required of me was me being there for him. Regardless of how I felt or how I looked, he needed his mommy. And mommy, was to be there no matter what. Half sane and half asleep, but whole in heart. And that's when I learned how to give without expecting anything in return. Famous wise men always speak of this gesture. Note: wise MEN. At least they intelectually acknowledge it. But us women, don't really know how it feels until you haven't slept 389 nights and another night is expected and demanded from you, along with the baby's cold & flu induced vomit full laundry at midnight that needs to be hand washed right away because the building laundry room is closed after 9PM, as you're also coming down with the flu yourself and your body is functioning on bare inertia, while you know you have a 9AM meeting next morning and its a snowstorm outside that will delay the transit system so you'll have to wake up earlier in order to leave the house earlier and pray to God you make it to the meeting on time and in one piece. Again...the sick child doesn't know that, can't acknowledge your need, as he's on HIS OWN schedule, and you are now on HIS, and his schedule doesn't take into account yours, your boss's, the transit system's, the weather, ETC. So you must give in to his needs. Selflessly. Lovingly. And you do so time and time again indefinitely. Quite frankly, miraculously.

This in itself, at 3:30AM on one of those sleepless nights, convinced me that there is an universal intelligence, that 'wrote' the script this way. It simply wouldn't be possible otherwise. And so, I had my enlightment. Through me, the body of a stubborn, spoiled woman, life was channelled, and through witnessing its wonders, enlightened me. We all have our moment. And remember it forever as it is THE moment. Schedules are out the window and time stands still as it dawns on you. And that was my moment in all its glory - overweight, full of baby vomit, rising temperature, messy hair, dark circles and recently saggy boobs. What a glorious moment. What a beautiful instant it turned into, once I really SAW - with eyes half closed and half passed out on the bed, that is. Selfless, motherly unconditional love. It is most Divine.

(Solitary) Pilgrimage

 

pil·grim·age (pĭl'grə-mĭj) n.
A long journey or search, especially one of exalted purpose or moral significance.

There are many reasons one decides to embark on a pilgrimage. It is very popular because it enables people to link their natural desire for travel with deeply rooted spiritual goals.

And so I marched forward half a decade ago on a (solitary) pilgrimage to the most spiritual and enlightning place on earth - New York City (ofcourse).

I figured that going to a place where the famous landmark of The Statue of Liberty, the tall lady that carries such a powerful symbolism behind it, commemorating the Declaration of Independence and the friendship between two countries, was right up my alley in terms of personal discovery. That, and also 5th Avenue was always just around the corner (ofcourse).

So what was my exalted purpose?

To be put simply, looking back, I think I just needed to find myself. Mind you, in 21st century North America, women don't suffer because we are opressed and don't have opportunities and options. In my opinion, I think we sometimes have too many options and opportunities to choose from, and without proper guidance and personal education in our youth as our parents are busy working and keeping up with the Jonses, we suffer because we reach a point where we don't know what it is we want, and therefore, we lose our sense of identity and are stuck in profound confusion and unsatisfaction. I'd also like to label it spoiled immaturity.

So, a tall young lady myself, I went over for a chat with the famous tall lady of NYC. And what did I leave there with? (besides an amazing new wardrobe!) I left with a paradoxial sense of personal security in not finding a specific answer. I realized I will never "find myself" as 'I' am not a destination. As everyone else, I'm an unique and dynamic being, and this process of the unfolding of self through time, is simply...a journey. A process very similar to everything else that 'is'. And through learning that lesson, and through accepting the significance of insignificance, I found peace.

Abstract-ism. It is what it is.

Abstract art could be described as art which is not a realistic representation of something concrete.

"Mine is a bitter confession, more painful than it may appear, but it has the merit of being sincere."
-Pablo Picasso 1952-

In the realm of everything, it really is something ordinary. For me though its just...extraordinary. In the context of it all, it really is nothing. That for me, is...everything. I've never been a fan of Picasso! However, just like a Picasso work of art, where the head has an arm, and a leg has a nose, and the final picture is so controversial because it makes no sense and has no reason..."beauty is in the eye of the beholder" so they say...

Similarly, in the eye of the heart, love is nothing but an optical illusion. It is your everything. And it feels extraordinary. As it knows no reason.

The Moment That Changed An Universe

The bathroom floor. All drama for a woman climaxes unleashing on a bathroom floor. But that was too ordinary, and she was everything but. So instead of letting it all out on the bathroom floor, she chose the kitchen. Back then, being a total undomestic goddess, she amused herself that it was enough of an unfamiliar territory, and she felt it made the exchange that much more comfortable. Like two strangers revealing dark secrets during the night of a cross country train ride, not having to feel the vulnerability of the unveiled self to familiar territories once the sunlight strikes it all back to reality. So she slowly dropped down, her back against the wall, crying. Whispering through dry tears, she confessed her feelings to the quiet kitchen floor, and let the silence heal her.

She was shy, timid, and incredibly credulous. She saw the world through her heart, and her heart knew no fear, no lie, no tricks. She came and went as she was. Like a child. A child in the body of a young woman. Her skin was pale, her body was long, her hair was dark and so were her eyes. And when he saw her, he made her his. Why would he not? How could he not? His darkness couldn’t resist her light. It was a natural attraction, written in both their destinies, the magnetic pull of opposing charges. Everything she was, he was not. She made him feel lighter, and that felt good because the weight of his soul’s decisions had been weighting him down lately. She was a bright escape, a moment of freshness and cleanliness. His soul was viscid as were his thoughts that he weaved underneath her feet as a spider would a spider web. And so she was stuck. Her heart was fastened and his intentions wrapped it with a bow.

“I am more than in love with you” he whispered in her ear as she slept in his arms, and then kissed her slowly down her back. She heard his breath next to her, and felt home. She had been home ever since he locked eyes with her a few months back. His stare was focused and precise. It waited for her playful look to finally settle into his. Once it did, it never left. Despite his precautionary fortress built against life, the beauty of this living thing, this love, invaded. And he pleasantly surrendered to it, but only for about a minute. He felt fulfilled and satisfied, a complete sense of gluttony from the love she'd given him.

The weeks followed and he claimed himself mature, and labelled her otherwise. He proceeded by shutting the door behind him, collapsing into the darkness filled with the arms of many, each and every one unlike her. And so there she was now, incomplete, left alone confessing her pain to her kitchen floor. Where would all the love she felt for him, go? What was she to do with it, as this love had become her entire being, the only energy that pulsed her heart?

The years have passed, and the forgiving magic wand of time has healed. Her. Not him, as he still yearns her light and reaches for it when darkness overwhelms him. But the arms of many hold him back, a prisoner of his own desires. And each and every time he reaches out and taps into her world, she goes back to her kitchen floor, and scrubs it really well and hard. And through that scrubbing, she’s magically given the ability to go back and change that event from her life, in order to go forward. "It must be clean. It has to be." She tells herself as she’s scrubbing on her hands and knees. She’s kneeled down again on the same floor but for a different reason. Through her scrubbing, she’s changing that night from the past that she spent crying out her contortioned soul onto her kitchen floor. She’s scrubbing it all out. It must be clean. Her lovely son runs across it every day with his small and chubby feet, as she engulfs him with a hug of light.