Ordinary Abandon

So I gave once more to you,
Only what's left...
My insipid flesh undone,
In decadent perversion surrendering to your lewdness.
That sacred I once honoured as Divine,
Today was an act of ordinary abandon.....

written September 2010

Mindsight - TEDxBlue - Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.

I have finally found my own personal passion as an actual interdisciplinary field. I'm completely fascinated by the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology, as "brushing my brain" is probably what I do more often that brushing my teeth! *wink"

With every end comes a new beginning

"Hope dies last" they say. I know this from personal experience, because it was precisely only hope alone that carried me on many days that brought nothing more to the plate other than discouragement. Having hope means putting your faith in something and believing in it past reason. Its a level of loyalty and trust that you have for something that is so special to you that you have no room for doubt to nest in. I'd also have to say that hope gave me a sense of confidence that it was just a matter of time...and confidence feels good so feeding into that hope also fed into my confidence.

Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different outcome. And surely, speakin' of the devil, they were spot on. There comes a point when you have to learn when its time to cut your losses because even hope has run its course. What was once a source of inspiration and beauty, now inspires exasperation. This brings me back to one of my financial education influenced 'aha moments' that I've mentioned in a previous entry in this blog: "Time is our most liquid asset. Review your investment portfolio and spend it wisely. The best R.O.I. is a life best lived". Also, like another friend of mine told me: insistence is admirable, but persistence gets old. It turns into a very exhausting, unfulfilled and unhappy situation. That's when the time has come for the natural process of putting matters to rest and allowing hope to die, and thus making space for the process of letting go and moving on. Its a process that starts off with feelings of painful loss and great sadness, that are soon to  be followed by an immense feeling of freedom and excitement for new experiences. When this happens, that excitement injects vitality and zest back into your life, and during what used to be the daily routine of waking up to what would turn out to be another day of unfulfilled hope, now you wake up in high spirits and your eyes sparkling bright and full of liveliness. As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, "It is time for something beautiful to give way for something else that is beautiful."

Myself +

Among my girlfriends, so far I'm the second one who has become a mother in the last decade. The first one who took the leap is used to the idea of a big family as she herself is one of three children, and went on to do the same. Now at 30 years old she is a proud mother of three beautiful kids. She is also what I call a hero. I'm reminded of that every time we talk on the phone, as focusing on a conversation while you also have three kids running around the house and remaining intact, is a superhero skill in itself. I have another friend who took the plunge and is now pregnant, and slowly getting accustomed to the rest of her life being herself + one. Or two. Or three. Or who knows...

Growing up, I have never ever seen myself as a 'mom' type of woman. I saw myself as being mothered, smothered, babied, and spoiled. That's as close as I got to a baby...by acting like one myself. But then one day, out of the blue, when I was at the top of my game in the single and fabulous lifestyle, I met a man that turned on the switch. And I say that because I truly think it has to be a switch. How can I go from solely focusing on Friday night drinks with co-workers, Saturday night dancing with friends, and Sunday laziness, to "Oh my God! Look how cuuuuuuute that baby is! I want one of those too!" every time I'd see a mom + walk by. Yes, of course I had turned definitely crazy. But that's what love does to you, it makes you lose your marbles and at the same time, provokes you to completely change your focus off of yourself alone, to yourself +. Its like you're oh so happy all of the sudden with who you are that you want more of it and just want to multiply that that feeling - because that's what love does, you love the object of your affection so much that you're also in love with who you've become when you love them. That's at least what happened to me: slowly but surely like a turtle, not only did this wonderful man turn me on, but he also turned my baby switch on. And in time, I became myself + one. For now. Who knows, maybe I will lose my marbles again at some point... *wink*

When Twin Flames are In The Flesh

Its when you make your way inside my mouth kissing me furiously, and I let you devour with your insatiable thirst...
When we stop and put our foreheads together, and I'm watching your guilty mouth as I gasp for air, you have me completely. And when you reach for me again, wrapping your palms around my neck to pull me close for another kiss as my breath feels powerless in your hands, I completely surrender to you... I'm at my weakest, no longer in control or within reason because from there on, the path taken is guided solely by your intent.
...as I could spend the rest of my days trusting in you my lifetime.

Of me

Despite the fact that we go around and talk the talk, even walk the walk in our omniscient rhythm, one day, when we feel strongest and omnipotent, it comes over us, a bucket of cold reality that leaves all stripped to utmost humility. And standing there bare, or better said, barely standing, you see your know-it-all arrogance as a fool that only served to entertain your ego into illusions of false power and control. Ironically, from the depths of humility I was able to find a different kind of strength - that of honouring my own truth.

Quantum Leaps

The process of being true to yourself without fail is a most demanding task. Firstly, it involves having to know what exactly it is you want, what it is you desire, what it is that makes you happy, so that then you can go ahead and honour all that in truth. But knowing all that, becoming aware of it, identifying it, is the messiest work in itself, as the process that takes you there takes huge amounts of introspection, speculation, trial and error, and most importantly, risk. And with risk come leaps of faith... There is absolutely no room for fear, for shame, for worry or doubt. You simply leap forward, come what may. It requires infinite amounts of faith and trust. But how can you have faith in and trust the unknown? You don't. You simply have faith and trust in yourself and any higher power you may believe in.That's it. Allow your steps to be guided by this, and you will see that at the beginning you'll just start slowly pacing forward, but then as you have more faith, and the more trust you gain as you honour yourself in acting in truth time and time again, you will one day see yourself leaping, no longer pacing. Leap after leap, so you will soar...

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” 

― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

Twin Flames

...sometimes quite pleseantly, we are given nice little treats, like when you happen to look into somebody else's eyes, and you see your soul as their soul. You simply see home. This truth is within all of us, and we should intuitively know it and believe it, but at times, we are sent a personal reminder of it in somebody else, in their eyes, as they are here too as you are, but also happen to be holding that key that unlocks your door, and looking at them, you truly see it, feel it and know it past your beating heart and past your bones, because in that moment, through the meeting of your eyes, is the meeting of two souls..simply witnessing each other and experiencing truth.


Update June 9, 2012 (funny, we all describe "it" the same way):
“It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Namaste - Realistically Contemporary

It is not surprising that with all the situations taking place around in the world for the past two years, unfolding events in many peoples lives have been causing financial havoc, lifestyle changes, standard of living differences, and ultimately yet not surprisingly: STRESS. I too have been affected by all this ridiculous mess, with what initially started out as a personal decision to take some time for reflection,  reorganization, and spending more time as a mom than a fancy white collar and pearls employee, that turned into a downward spiraling of loss of control due to the economic scenario.  Hindsight is always 20/20 so of course now that I look back, intending to take those initially 'planned' 12 months off to spend with my son before he started school, was a huge risk, but my and my son's timing was absolutely perfect that's why I took the leap of faith. But the world was ticking to a completely different stopwatch and I was soon to find out. So just like everyone else, I too had to learn to scramble and hustle in this new economic mumbo-jumbo that's been shamelessly going on for what seems like ages. It was so infuriating to say the least, to read in the New York Times that some suddenly poor people out there in 'the land of hope and dreams' America now don't have the money on hand to afford the regular sized packs of toilet paper sold at Walmart, and that toilet paper producers have had to re-package their lots with a smaller number of rolls per pack to make it more affordable, while apparently at the same time, the latest über designer high fashion staples are not only sold out, but have unprecedented waiting lists. The gap is clearly wider these days, leaving the hard working class infuriated, humiliated and quite honestly: insulted.

Unfortunately, this has been going on for quite a while, and global stress from worry has become chronic. Just turning the page in the newspaper or turning on the TV, gives me a shot of adrenaline from the latest headlines. Coincidentally enough though, alongside these events, there's also another silent movement going on in the world, one that's more calming and peaceful in nature, as it is focused on enlightenment, awakening to consciousness, and living in the present moment. Despite the fact that I'm very practical and realistic in nature and don't easily attract to anything that may sound overly esoteric, I personally think its perfect timing for all these new age theories to take place, because on really difficult days, one may realize after looking at their bank account, that the present moment is really all they have, REALLY. So yes, I find that these not so new but very popular theories do give a practically needed sense of fulfillment and richness, if not of the material kind, then of the spiritual kind. And hopefully, applying them long term, who knows maybe an internal shift may actually take place within each of us and ultimately society as a whole, so that when this whole economic turmoil will turn around, we will use our material riches in a more conscious manner, one that's less detrimental to the environment and to those around us, as we will hopefully be guided by love, and not by greed. Right. I can't help but to chuckle as I type out the last sentence picturing myself hugging the trees at my local park, as the realist in me totally senses a woo-woo tone to what I just wrote, but frankly, the truth of the matter is, that it is greed itself which got us to where we are in the first place, so we might as well try to operate from a different standpoint as a society and see where that takes us. And hey, if having our actions guided by love will bring us to a place of rainbows, butterflies and unicorns, so be it, as I'd take that any day over my current bank account balance.

Namaste *wink*