INsight

Many times we cheat ourselves pretending that what we have is what we want, and that where we are is where we want to be. Its a trick of the mind that acts like a bandaid when we are hurt. So as such, we end up making all sorts of compromises with ourselves, choice after choice, decision after decision, and worst of all, with others around us, involving their lifetimes as well. Its a sort of ripple effect of a mess that we all create when we come here and pass through life only to realize at some point sooner or later that what is essential is really just the core: the search for love, for truth.

And so the years pass, and one random day you suddenly stop in your tracks and just stand still along with time, and in the stillness of that moment, you realize just how far and lost you've gotten from the essence. That instant in time is absolutely monumental. As it comes, it does so rushing in, overwhelming you with feelings of regret, resentment, anger, and frustrations. You are lost and you feel helpless and confused as you think you have no compass to ever bring you back. And back to WHERE?

In that moment you have no other option but to surrender to it. To feel all those feelings, and experience every single bit of it all, so that you can truly realize where you really are, how it feels to be there, what you have done to bring yourself to that place, why you have done it, tracking all your steps, because that is the only way you can map your course back to your truth, back to what was all along. And in this process of self discovery, most importantly, forgiving yourself and others, because "Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could be any different" -Oprah. You can't hold on to grudges of the past because they take you down a path to nowhere. Just accept it for what it was and try let go of what has happened to you, as it was simply part of the process to discovering your own essence - like a necessary evil, a blessing in disguise. Live in the present moment and step onwards from there, on the journey to the love and truth inside of you. You were born into this world with it, and it is the only thing you will leave this world with. Cherish it as it is the only thing of value that simple words can't describe, it is the only thing that transcends.

In Passing

The more I witness around me, the more I come to realize that there is no set-in-stone rule for anything in the form of life, as everything that is in form, is circumstancial - and circumstances are forever always variable, as are our own reactions to them. So that said, considering the woven web of people's lives' along with everyone elses around them, all the varying circumstances and the reactions to them, the only thing I can bet on that I am sure of at the end of the day, is that simply another day has passed. And even that is relative, as what is a "day" if not our own limited measure of time, when time really is a formless, spaceless infinity.

Like the seasons, we just simply come as we go...

Phoenix

My internal philosopher kicks in from time to time, trying to make sense of life, and of the reasons why sometimes…shit. just. happens. Depending on the magnitude or severity of the situation (I’d like to also jokingly say – whether it hit the fan or not), I may do recovery cleaning effectively and efficiently, and other times, I may get stuck. Stuck in a shitty rut that is. So what does my inner Plato or Nietzsche say then?

Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is not one right answer, and most importantly not one right timeless answer. I have been down this beaten path a few times, and depending on the time of my life that I have taken this stroll again, I almost always interpreted things a bit differently, and most definitely always discovered hidden treasures in hidden pockets that I had not noticed before.

Undeniably, at the onset of the emotional calamity, I have tried to tell myself as my first instinct kicks in: “Seriously?! Again?! You’ve got to be kiddin’ me! I am soooo not going down in the emotional trenches once more. I’ll just sip on my margarita right here in the shallow end, sombrero on head, I will avoid the heat thank you very much”, clearly explaining my enthusiasm for getting ‘down and dirty’ in such events. Unfortunately, Martha Beck’s remark always rings true: “When we run from our feelings, they follow us. Everywhere”. Oh, she is right alright - she isn't a Harvard graduate for nothin'!

Despite my mental temper tantrums equivalent to those of a toddler kicking and screaming on the floor, of absolutely not wanting to deal with the current issue in question, after having gone down the beaten path a few times in my life, I now know that my only solution to getting past the emotional trenches that have been put in front of me as a result of a situation that life presents itself with, is to get into the trenches, and feel everything there is to feel to the last drop, may it be good, bad and/or ugly. Accept it (even if I have to beat it with a stick!), come to peace with it… and then calmly put it aside. It has been dealt with. Only then, is the mind clear enough to take action and simply move on.

So having said that, coming to terms with certain events is just not my cup of tea. It really is easier said than done, that's for sure! Its meticulous, tenacious work, and emotional 'detail oriented' activity that I would choose to do without, and instead...go shoe or bag shopping - way more fun! Seriously. I can’t begin to honestly tell you how much one part of me can relate to the famous Gone With the Wind quote: “I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow. After all…Tomorrow is another day." But the older I get, the more ridiculous I know that sounds. Even though, inside my own ego’s mind, I swear it totally makes sense. ...However, as time has shown me, when finding oneself in an occasional firestorm of life, allowing the emotional fire to set off, and having it burn out until it dies down, letting it run its natural course, is the best way to actually deal with it. Out of these metaphorical ashes, a relatively new, regenerated version of ourselves will immerse. I usually have to sit myself down on my balcony, glass of vino in hand, my iTunes playing setting the mood, and whether I like it or not, allowing for the soul searching to take place. To put it more simply, I can’t allow my mind to look like the inside of my closets and drawers – those are places where I will probably never be meticulous or tenacious enough to clean up the mess they contain. But I can’t think about them right now. I’ll deal with them tomorrow. After all...tomorrow is another day *wink*

Timeless

When I went to Mexico City for the first time, it was definitely a life changing experience. I was by myself, and saw a totally different world that I was never aware of. I soon learned that countries in South America are the same or even worse, plagued by poverty and injustice. Until then, I was aware of images like that very rarely and only on TV, and usually I'd just change the channel to further instinctively shelter myself from such knowledge. It was none of my business. I had other problems to deal with, like what outfit to wear the night I was going out at the bar. This time though, I had it staring back at me to my face, live and direct. Poverty like I had never in my life seen before. Let me tell you that middle class there, is below poverty line here. Neighbourhoods go from total and utter poverty that violates health and safety codes, to ridiculously fancy affluent villas that here we have no access to even drive by. And its all in one city. I visited a lot of beautiful places in Mexico City, and even climbed the nearby pyramid of the sun all the way up, pregnant and all.

One of the tour stops was at the Basilica de Guadalupe. The 'miracle' of the Basilica de Guadalupe. Aside from the image of Virgin Mary with whom I've left a few wishes and prayers, right after seeing her and telling her my wishes, (very ironically) I turn around and I see an image of two people, a woman and a man, around 45 years old or so, embraced just like Klimt's Embrace painting, identical:

And they were hugging the living life out of themselves!! There they were, in the middle of the Basilica, without a care or even shyness...hugging, crying and sobbing - it was so intense - and they were saying things I couldn't understand (yes I was clearly creeping in, the moment was too much for me to ignore especially because I had just whispered in a last breath my wish to the Virigin and THIS image was in front of my eyes when I turned away from Her). I stood there in sheer amazement. That moment stayed with me until today and I'll remember it forever. Back then I had not seen Klimt's painting of The Tree of Life, but very soon after, out of the blue for no reason, someone emailed me a picture of it in one of those forwarded spam emails, and seeing it, it struck me cold.

On the left it has a lone tall young lady depicting "Expectation"...then the tree of life...and then "Fulfillment" depicted by the famous embrace. On the tree of life is a black bird that signifies the inescapable presence of death - probably Klimt's reminder of our limited time alive here. And that's how I understood the moment I saw at the Basilica. And why it was so intense. For a few moments I was very amused by the silly idea of how the 'universe' always communicates with me in a very cheeky way, throughout my whole entire life. Who knew the universe also does stand-up comedy, right?!

I'm writing all this because I always wanted to share what I saw. It was a really special moment, that for some reason outside of myself, I was put specifically in that place to witness it as well, where I too, quietly and secretly became part of their story, and shared their sorrow and joy that they lived in that moment of their own Tree of Life. Klimt's painting from a hundred years before (1909), stood as a true story that very day of my own life. I myself was simply standing there full of expectation just as the lady on the left in the painting. I was looking at them embracing in complete fulfillment before my eyes just like the couple on the right. And a lifetime was between us.

Human emotions throughout life, death, expectation and fulfillment, are afterall "timeless".

Thoughts While Feasting On the Elephant In the Room

I now see that for some time there's been two sides to me: the me inside my mind, and the me inside my world. I didn't realize it until a couple of days ago. If I would be asked to describe myself (criticisms aside), I'd say I'm genuine, sweet, romantic, silly, and quite adventurous - all inside my mind. But whoever has spent time with me in the 'daily grind' the last few years sees a practical, categorical and rational version of me. Yes, responsibilities of 'family' do put things into perspective more, but to what extent?

I admit that I sometimes flirt within my own mind with my passionate ideas, but I also see today that when push comes to shove, I don't commit to them. How in the world did I become so disconnected from my core? Is it because I've managed to trap myself in a space where there is no place for the real me? These days, I find myself sneaking around to read a book, as it is shockingly interpreted as a waste of time to do so in my current home life situation...I find myself arguing ideas and ideals that I've always strongly believed in, with people who stare back at me point blank and who don't understand a word I am saying. It feels so discouraging to be conversationally immersed as deep as ever into a subject, live in it the moment of intensity of sharing it, and the person you're doing it with just looks at you completely confused and totally checks out of the conversation because they can't grasp any of it. So that's how and when I stopped my passionate conversations. Despite the fact of being surrounded by people, things to do, and involved in daily activities, it feels so lonely. That's why, in some way, instinctively creating this virtual place called "Spaces" where I write my thoughts, I've also created my self's lifeline.

I don't really think I'm such a big fan of the word "destiny" - who invented it?! The presence of this word in the dictionary makes me feel so helpless to the point of its denial. And that's when to cope, rationality and practicality sink in, and there I am again, going on about my days, more categorical and less passionate, but...nevertheless...always aware of the elephant in the room.

How to eat the elephant in the room - one bite at the time

January 8, 2011

I find that in the last three and a half years I have taken a few steps (or stumbles) towards becoming more spiritual and accepting of a higher power - note: surrendering my need to control. I learned that the more I accept and embrace these notions, the more peace I am able to find within, even though the path on this truly never ending journey was a very difficult and stubborn battle for me.

My nature is a very proactive one. I am not the type of person who can just stand with their arms crossed and watch life as it passes by. A favorite quote of mine by Herbert Otto says: "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." If I were to be forced to be an audience to life, the least I would do is express some sort of verbal opinion or draw some sociological conclusions about what it is I am witnessing (hence the creation of my blog). However, my true nature calls me to get involved, and simply do something whenever a situation arises, especially when that situation feels uncomfortable. Being raised in North America most of my life, I have been trained by this culture to follow the pursuit of comfort. So naturally, I liked to analyze and draw theories and conclusions, apply needed changes, and proceed in action by being proactive, not passive.

Of course, I now realise we are here to learn, and surprise surprise, I had to learn to embrace the great virtue: PATIENCE (they don't call it a virtue for nothing). Patience requires awarenes, which in turn I find, involves stillness. Being an actions focused person, stillness was a very strange notion for me. How can I be still? Whenever I saw myself in an uncomfortable situation, at the moment an opportunity of escape would arise, I jumped right on it - like say out of lack of financial comfort, pack my bags and change countries in two weeks time for a better job, or out of emotional uncomfort, get married to a stranger and get pregnant in three months time. I was under the impression that if I were to act myself out of uncomfortable situations, I would somehow magically fix those problems by immersing myself into other activities. What I didn't realize is that I was also immersing myself into other more uncomfortable problems. It is now crystal clear to me that I was a loose cannon and obviously had to learn that running away from an issue will not fix it. I ended up unintentionally placing myself into a very tight and very uncomfortable corner. The key here is that because I never sat still, never was patient enough to just be, reflect upon and listen, I eventually placed myself in self created situations that may not have necessarily tickled my fancy, and escapeism no longer being an option, forcefully pushed me to become aware of myself by being immobile, or as spiritual theory calls it: being still.

“making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

For a person like me, being still, at the beginning feels entrapping, exactly like a fish on a shore whipping tail on sand and all. I honestly felt like I was running out of air. I had to wait, patiently, until a wave would come and take me back to the ocean of movement.
Here I learned the power of surrender. Those moments of total loss of control brought me to complete desperation, which eventually broke down most of my inner ego structure, and I had to just lie still, listening to nothing, while going nowhere. This in itself, is the most difficult task ever. I went to business school, so "action items" are part of my dogged and systematic nature. And there I was: a fish washed up ashore, wagging my tail on the dry sand under the ardent sun, and ironically, impatiently waiting.
Here is where I learned of faith. There were many moments when I suffocated myself in self induced panic that the life saving wave might never come. Having had to surrender control and mobility due to the awkwardness of the situations I had placed myself in, within the depth of stillness, instead of nothingness, I discovered faith.

May 5, 2013
Faith...suuuch a short word, for such a long stretch.

The Seven Blind Men And The Elephant

My three pearls...

Some days I'm convinced I know it all, that "I got it" with a strong grip, to only wake up the next day and realize I don't know much...such is the passing of life, lessons of humility first and foremost, and a slow, very slow accumulation of wisdom.

In any case, I came up with three conclusions recently. Here are 3 pearls of mine, part of an entire ocean of life.

• Time is our most liquid asset. Review your investment portfolio and spend it wisely. The best ROI is a life best lived.
• The direction your life takes depends on what opportunities the Universe offers you, and how then you decide to go ahead and manage these opportunities.
• Work diligently on building a rational mind and a proactive attitude, and fear will slowly find no place to nest in.