I now see that for some time there's been two sides to me: the me inside my mind, and the me inside my world. I didn't realize it until a couple of days ago. If I would be asked to describe myself (criticisms aside), I'd say I'm genuine, sweet, romantic, silly, and quite adventurous - all inside my mind. But whoever has spent time with me in the 'daily grind' the last few years sees a practical, categorical and rational version of me. Yes, responsibilities of 'family' do put things into perspective more, but to what extent?
I admit that I sometimes flirt within my own mind with my passionate ideas, but I also see today that when push comes to shove, I don't commit to them. How in the world did I become so disconnected from my core? Is it because I've managed to trap myself in a space where there is no place for the real me? These days, I find myself sneaking around to read a book, as it is shockingly interpreted as a waste of time to do so in my current home life situation...I find myself arguing ideas and ideals that I've always strongly believed in, with people who stare back at me point blank and who don't understand a word I am saying. It feels so discouraging to be conversationally immersed as deep as ever into a subject, live in it the moment of intensity of sharing it, and the person you're doing it with just looks at you completely confused and totally checks out of the conversation because they can't grasp any of it. So that's how and when I stopped my passionate conversations. Despite the fact of being surrounded by people, things to do, and involved in daily activities, it feels so lonely. That's why, in some way, instinctively creating this virtual place called "Spaces" where I write my thoughts, I've also created my self's lifeline.
I don't really think I'm such a big fan of the word "destiny" - who invented it?! The presence of this word in the dictionary makes me feel so helpless to the point of its denial. And that's when to cope, rationality and practicality sink in, and there I am again, going on about my days, more categorical and less passionate, but...nevertheless...always aware of the elephant in the room.
