My friends (who don't have kids) have often told me that I'm not like the other mommies they know, in that I don't really discuss my son's daily burps, farts, poops and so on. They said I'm a "cool mom". Hmmm...I guess that means I've managed to keep some sort of personal identity, throughout the sleepless nights and difficult - yet beautiful - moments. The usual things I share with my non-mommy friends regarding mommyhood take place especially at the beginning of a conversation with a warning: "I've slept only 4 hours last night, and they were interrupted sleep...sooo...i hate everything and everyone at this moment, so its not you, ITS ME". When this kind of night however turned into a month, into half a year, a year, and into two years......you can imagine I'm surprised at the mere fact that I still have friends! My son slept his first full night of sleep at two years old. Unfortunately, I was so used to waking up every 2-3 hours, that my body would do that anyway, screams or no screams so it took a while to adjust to the new heavenly treat. During those two years, the chances I had of speaking to my friends, I wanted to take a short break from mommyhood. So I tried to spare them most of the baby details. Somehow I always reminded myself (accompanied by a great feeling of guilt ) that 'mommy' is (still) her own person. So when my friends wouldn't hang up on me from frustration of the colicky screams in the backround, I'd talk about anything non-baby related. I was afterall, the first one of all my friends to have a baby. I somehow still wanted to 'fit in' their club as I was totally alone in mine...and find the old familiarity of life and live perpetually through their stories sort of thing, while the reality was that my breasts were sore and leaking and I had put on 65 lbs and the only important part of fashion for me those days was the "stretch" aspect.
The truth of the matter however, is that 'looks' are just a fraction of the changes you go through in the new life of motherhood that a woman embarks on. Your whole entire person changes. You see life in a different manner. Actually, I think you SEE life for the first time. Your perspective and what's important to you suddenly shifts gears.
My son is now four years old. These past four years have been of great significance to me. I probably grew up more in these past four years than I did in the twentyfour before them! I'm an only child. So I self admittedly suffer from the only child syndrome. MY room. MY toys. MY clothes. MY space. MY mom. MY presents. No sharing. Period. So when I got pregnant, I finally realized a part of the meaning of SHARING - MY. ENTIRE. BEING. At a 6'1" frame I kept on amusing myself that I have a tenant in this tall executive condominium building who is distrupting the peace and will be kicked out in 9 months (haha). I tried to make everything funny - its my way of coping with stress. In all seriosity now, my pregnancy wasn't the hardest nor the easiest. I went through the three month all day long nausea ("morning" sickness was a pleasant fantasy), a close to miscarriage bleeding scare, bedridden for a couple of months, and then the famous weight gain, all coming together in culmination with a problematic epidural shot, however a "perfect natural birth" in the end, as the doctor called it. And that's when it all changed - I thought I had learned patience through pregnancy. Boy was I wrong.
The first two years after my son was born, him having colicky attitude and cries, paired with screaming all-nighters, taught me patience, and most of all sharing. Whether I liked it or not. I endlessly shared my nights, my bed, my sanity, my body, my peace of mind....to a screaming little human - my beloved son. I used to be very impulsive, impatient and capricious before I had my son (probably if you ask my mom, I still have a moment or two today). So I remember the shock I had when I realized that he won't stop screaming no matter what I'd do, he won't stop waking up in the middle of the night no matter what I'd do, and that all I COULD DO, was to just accept it. Long pause. Night after night, day after day. Long pause. And be there for him. And love him despite how all that made me feel. Long pause. Unconditionally. Long pause. NATURALLY. Without hearing a thanks, without any cheering on. Or without a 'day off' of forgiving sleep. My own needs were completely irrelevant at that point. All that was required of me was me being there for him. Regardless of how I felt or how I looked, he needed his mommy. And mommy, was to be there no matter what. Half sane and half asleep, but whole in heart. And that's when I learned how to give without expecting anything in return. Famous wise men always speak of this gesture. Note: wise MEN. At least they intelectually acknowledge it. But us women, don't really know how it feels until you haven't slept 389 nights and another night is expected and demanded from you, along with the baby's cold & flu induced vomit full laundry at midnight that needs to be hand washed right away because the building laundry room is closed after 9PM, as you're also coming down with the flu yourself and your body is functioning on bare inertia, while you know you have a 9AM meeting next morning and its a snowstorm outside that will delay the transit system so you'll have to wake up earlier in order to leave the house earlier and pray to God you make it to the meeting on time and in one piece. Again...the sick child doesn't know that, can't acknowledge your need, as he's on HIS OWN schedule, and you are now on HIS, and his schedule doesn't take into account yours, your boss's, the transit system's, the weather, ETC. So you must give in to his needs. Selflessly. Lovingly. And you do so time and time again indefinitely. Quite frankly, miraculously.
This in itself, at 3:30AM on one of those sleepless nights, convinced me that there is an universal intelligence, that 'wrote' the script this way. It simply wouldn't be possible otherwise. And so, I had my enlightment. Through me, the body of a stubborn, spoiled woman, life was channelled, and through witnessing its wonders, enlightened me. We all have our moment. And remember it forever as it is THE moment. Schedules are out the window and time stands still as it dawns on you. And that was my moment in all its glory - overweight, full of baby vomit, rising temperature, messy hair, dark circles and recently saggy boobs. What a glorious moment. What a beautiful instant it turned into, once I really SAW - with eyes half closed and half passed out on the bed, that is. Selfless, motherly unconditional love. It is most Divine.
The truth of the matter however, is that 'looks' are just a fraction of the changes you go through in the new life of motherhood that a woman embarks on. Your whole entire person changes. You see life in a different manner. Actually, I think you SEE life for the first time. Your perspective and what's important to you suddenly shifts gears.
My son is now four years old. These past four years have been of great significance to me. I probably grew up more in these past four years than I did in the twentyfour before them! I'm an only child. So I self admittedly suffer from the only child syndrome. MY room. MY toys. MY clothes. MY space. MY mom. MY presents. No sharing. Period. So when I got pregnant, I finally realized a part of the meaning of SHARING - MY. ENTIRE. BEING. At a 6'1" frame I kept on amusing myself that I have a tenant in this tall executive condominium building who is distrupting the peace and will be kicked out in 9 months (haha). I tried to make everything funny - its my way of coping with stress. In all seriosity now, my pregnancy wasn't the hardest nor the easiest. I went through the three month all day long nausea ("morning" sickness was a pleasant fantasy), a close to miscarriage bleeding scare, bedridden for a couple of months, and then the famous weight gain, all coming together in culmination with a problematic epidural shot, however a "perfect natural birth" in the end, as the doctor called it. And that's when it all changed - I thought I had learned patience through pregnancy. Boy was I wrong.
The first two years after my son was born, him having colicky attitude and cries, paired with screaming all-nighters, taught me patience, and most of all sharing. Whether I liked it or not. I endlessly shared my nights, my bed, my sanity, my body, my peace of mind....to a screaming little human - my beloved son. I used to be very impulsive, impatient and capricious before I had my son (probably if you ask my mom, I still have a moment or two today). So I remember the shock I had when I realized that he won't stop screaming no matter what I'd do, he won't stop waking up in the middle of the night no matter what I'd do, and that all I COULD DO, was to just accept it. Long pause. Night after night, day after day. Long pause. And be there for him. And love him despite how all that made me feel. Long pause. Unconditionally. Long pause. NATURALLY. Without hearing a thanks, without any cheering on. Or without a 'day off' of forgiving sleep. My own needs were completely irrelevant at that point. All that was required of me was me being there for him. Regardless of how I felt or how I looked, he needed his mommy. And mommy, was to be there no matter what. Half sane and half asleep, but whole in heart. And that's when I learned how to give without expecting anything in return. Famous wise men always speak of this gesture. Note: wise MEN. At least they intelectually acknowledge it. But us women, don't really know how it feels until you haven't slept 389 nights and another night is expected and demanded from you, along with the baby's cold & flu induced vomit full laundry at midnight that needs to be hand washed right away because the building laundry room is closed after 9PM, as you're also coming down with the flu yourself and your body is functioning on bare inertia, while you know you have a 9AM meeting next morning and its a snowstorm outside that will delay the transit system so you'll have to wake up earlier in order to leave the house earlier and pray to God you make it to the meeting on time and in one piece. Again...the sick child doesn't know that, can't acknowledge your need, as he's on HIS OWN schedule, and you are now on HIS, and his schedule doesn't take into account yours, your boss's, the transit system's, the weather, ETC. So you must give in to his needs. Selflessly. Lovingly. And you do so time and time again indefinitely. Quite frankly, miraculously.
This in itself, at 3:30AM on one of those sleepless nights, convinced me that there is an universal intelligence, that 'wrote' the script this way. It simply wouldn't be possible otherwise. And so, I had my enlightment. Through me, the body of a stubborn, spoiled woman, life was channelled, and through witnessing its wonders, enlightened me. We all have our moment. And remember it forever as it is THE moment. Schedules are out the window and time stands still as it dawns on you. And that was my moment in all its glory - overweight, full of baby vomit, rising temperature, messy hair, dark circles and recently saggy boobs. What a glorious moment. What a beautiful instant it turned into, once I really SAW - with eyes half closed and half passed out on the bed, that is. Selfless, motherly unconditional love. It is most Divine.
